Time Now: 12/14/2018 02:32:56

"Imitation is the sincerest form of television."

-Fred Allen
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All of the quotes on file:
Index Text
1"Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity."
2"Only two things are infinite- the universe and human stupidity- and I'm not sure about the former."
-Albert Einstein
3"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and consciencious stupidity."
-Martin Luther King- Jr.
4"Men are born ignorant- not stupid. They are made stupid by education."
-Bertrand Russell
5"Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change."
6"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt."
-Bertrand Russell
7"Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders."
-Sloan Wilson
8"A stupid child is ruin to a father- and a wife"
-The Bible: Hebrew- Proverbs 19:13
9"Stupid is as stupid does."
-Forrest Gump
10"Stupid as a man-' say the women: 'cowardly as a woman-' say the men. Stupidity in a woman is unwomanly."
-Friedrich Nietzsche
11"The stupid neither forgive nor forget- the smart forgive- but never forget"
-Thomas Szasz
12"When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of- he always declares that it is his duty."
-George Bernard Shaw
13"To be stupid and selfish and to have good health are the three requirements for happiness- though if stupidity is lacking- the others are useless."
-Gustave Flaubert
14"There is no cure for stupid wives and willful children."
-Chinese proverb
15"A clever wife often sleeps with a stupid husband."
-Chinese proverb
16"Unless one pretends to be stupid and deaf- it is difficult to be a mother-in-law or father-in-law."
-Chinese proverb
17"You even called me stupid in your verse- and I"
-Franz Grillparzer
18"Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing- it is always from the noblest motives."
-Oscar Wilde
19"One always has the idea of a stupid man as perfectly healthy and ordinary- and of illness as making one refined and clever and unusual."
-Thomas Mann
20"The only thing that ever consoles man for the stupid things he does is the praise he always gives himself for doing them."
-Oscar Wilde
21"I had rather be an oyster than a man- the most stupid and senseless of animals."
-George Berkeley
22"It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid."
-George Bernard Shaw
23"We have no words for speaking of wisdom to the stupid. He who understands the wise is wise already."
-G.C. Lichtenberg
24"There are only two races on this planet-the intelligent and the stupid."
-John Fowles
25"One must be a little foolish- if one does not want to be even more stupid."
-Michel de Montaigne
26"Only in Britain could it be thought a defect to be 'too clever by half.' The probability is that too many people are too stupid by three-quarters."
-John Major
27"What is the difference between a husband and a boyfriend? Forty-five Minutes"
28"What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband? Thank her."
29"When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it."
30"Why do men get married?? So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore"
31"What do men and used cars have in common? They are both easy to get- cheap- and totally unrealiable."
32"Why are men like the weather. Nothing can be done to change either of them."
33"What do you call an intelligent- good looking- sensitive man? A fairy tale."
34"What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough."
35"What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to use it."
36"Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them."
37"How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a pretty girl."
38"How do you get a man to stop nibling his nails? Make him wear shoes."
39"What do you call a man with an IQ of 50? Gifted!"
40"How does a man plan for the future? He subscribes to two years of playboy instead of one."
41"Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe."
42"Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went- it would be Hell."
43"How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs- breasts and thighs."
44"Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood- he's already there."
45"How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb- and two to listen to him brag about how good he screws."
46"How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Only one. If you slice him very thinly."
47"What did God say after creating man? Geez...I can do better than that!"
48"What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place with eating utensils and chairs."
49"What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy."
50"What do men and mascara have in common? They both run when women cry!"
51"What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife picked his clothes!"
52"What has ten arms and an IQ of 50? Five guys watching a football game."
53"What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need."
54"What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship? Telling you his real name."
55"What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes."
56"What's the best way to torture a man to death? Put a sexy blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him he can only pick one."
57"What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot's been spotted several times."
58"What's the smartest thing a man can say? My wife says..."
59"What's the quickest way to a man's heart? Straight through the rib cage."
60"Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them."
61"Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they're all pigs."
62"Why did God create man before woman? Practice makes perfect!"
63"Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts."
64"Why do little boys whine? Because they are practicing to be men."
65"Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract."
66"Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened."
67"What do you say when you find a sensitive caring man? Hello- how's your boyfriend?"
68"What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow."
69"What do men and sperm have in common? They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being"
70"What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? Sex."
71"My girlfriend always laughs during sex --no matter what she's reading. -Steve Jobs (Founder- Apple Computers)"
72"Don't knock masturbation"
73"Lord- grant me chastity and continence... but not yet. -St. Augustine"
74"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful- natural- wholesome things that money can buy. -Tom Clancy"
75"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither. -Steve Martin"
76"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner- you'd better have a good hand. -Woody Allen"
77"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. -Rodney Dangerfield"
78"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal- particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL. -Lynn Lavner"
79"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. -George Burns"
80"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant. -George Burns"
81"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. -Sharon Stone"
82"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. -Jack Nicholson"
83"Ah- yes- divorce- from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -Robin Williams"
84"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome- but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. -Roseanne"
85"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. -Billy Crystal"
86"There's very little advice in men's magazines- because men think- I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked. -Jerry Seinfeld"
87"Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it. -Woody Allen"
88"See- the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis- and only enough blood to run one at a time. -Robin Williams"
89"My family never raised me to have a vagina. -Roseanne"
90"An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex. -Aldous Huxley"
91"Did you ever notice the people who are most adamantly against abortions are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place? -George Carlin"
92"Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse- yet he has left it out of his heaven. -Mark Twain"
93"One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other. -Jane Austen"
94"Sex concentrates on what is on the outside of the individual. It's funny because I think it's better inside. -Alex Walsh"
95"When a man goes on a date- he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. -Frederike Ryder"
96"Be careful whose toes you step on today because they might be connected to the foot that kicks your ass tomorrow"
97"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.-"
98"My opinions may have changed- but not the fact that I'm right."
99"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
100"I'm not anti-social- I just don't like you"
101"We are all going to hell- and I am driving the bus"
102"You shouldn't compare yourself to others they are more screwed up than you think."
103"The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones never go away."
104"I can either be your best friend or your worst enemy."
105"We crush the caterpillars then complain there are no butterflies"
106"I'm not a tease- Im just a reminder of what you can't have"
107"If it doesn't fit force it- if it breaks it needed replaced anyway"
108"Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead."
109"I don't want to achieve immortality thru my work. I want to achieve immortality thru not dying"
110"Ugliness is superior to beauty because it lasts."
111"I went on a diet- swore off drinking and heavy eating- and in fourteen days I lost two weeks"
112"Don't give other people a piece of your mind unless you can afford it."
113"Foresight is knowing when to shut your mouth before someone suggests it."
114"If you can smile when things go wrong- you have someone in mind to blame."
115"Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change"
116"Good friends will help you move. REALLY good friends will help you move bodies."
117"If at first you don't succeed- skydiving is not for you."
118"I have not failed. I've just found 10-000 ways that won't work."
119"Lies circle the earth while Truth is still trying to put on its shoes."
120"I wanna be different just like everyone else"
121"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt"
122"I believe that imagination is more important than knowledge."
123"You can't argue with a sick mind"
124"You're only young once- but you can be immature the rest of your life"
125"If Barbie is so popular- why do you have to buy her friends?"
126"I used to have a handle on life- but it broke"
127"If at first you don't succeed- destroy all evidence that you tried"
128"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car"
129"Every piece of paper has two good sides... Unless you use magic marker then you're fucked"
130"When faced with a difficult task- pass it on to a lazy person and she'll figure out an easier way to accomplish it."
131"Dont underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers"
132"A good friend will bail you out of jail- but a best friend will be in the next cell saying that was fucking awesome"
133"What do sheep count when they can't sleep?"
134"guys are like roses- watch out for the pricks..."
135"Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity"
136"It takes 42 muscles to frown and only four to extend my middle finger and tell you to bite me."
137"Do you believe in love at first site? Or should I walk by again"
138"Everyones entitled to be stupid but you are abusing the privilege"
139"Last night I was looking at the stars and I was wondering where the heck is my ceiling!"
140"Did you fall down the ugly tree and hit every branch on your way down!"
141"They say true love hides behind every Corner...I must be walking in Circles!"
142"Im an angel! Honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo up straight!"
143"4 out of 5 voices in my head say go back to sleep"
144"I can only please one person per day- today is not your day and tomorrow doesn't look good either."
145"Ever stop to think- and forget to start again?"
146"I am not a player...I'm the game"
147"I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot!"
148"I Know I'm Not Perfect- but I'm So Close it scares me~! ~"
149"I smile because I have no idea what is going on"
150"I dont need Your Attitude- I Have One of My Own"
151"I'm not weird! I'm gifted"
152"You're only bad if you're caught... So that makes me a good girl- RIGHT!"
153"What a shame...looks like the ugly fairy kissed you on both cheeks!"
155"Before you criticize someone- you should walk a mile in her shoes. That way- when you criticize them- you're a mile away and you have their shoes."
156"Hooked on funiks worked far me- Kant cha tell?"
158"Success comes before work... only in the dictionary"
159"Never fight with an ugly person - they have nothing to loose!"
160"Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?"
161"Everyone gets a chance in the spotlight- you can have it when I'm done!"
162"Big Girls dont cry - They get even!"
164"In some cultures what I do is considered normal"
165"Even if the voices are not real- they have some good ideas."
166"Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so are you- but the roses are wilting- the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head"
167"If you don't like the way I drive- get off the sidewalk"
168"Mirrors don't talk and lucky for you they don't laugh!"
169"I don't come with dice-so don't play me."
170"This is an inside joke and your on the outside!"
171"That's all right- that's okay- you're going to pump my gas someday!"
172"Don't think of it as losing- think of it as getting beat by a girl"
173"Don't Treat Me Any Differently than You Would the Queen"
174"EVIL is just LIVE spelled backwards"
175"Life isn't a garden...so stop being a hoe!"
176"Roses are red violets are blue I'm schizophrenic and so am I!"
177"Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once!"
178"I never knew my father was an alcoholic until he came home sober one night..."
179"Winston- you are drunk. - Lady Astor Yes my dear- but you are ugly- and in the morning I shall be sober - Winston Churchill"
180"It's not true that life is one damn thing after another. It's the same damn thing over and over."
181"How many frickin' times do I have to say- 'In the form of a question'- people?!? - Alex Trebek"
182"I no longer wish to belong to the kind of club that accepts people like me as members - Groucho Marx"
183"Even if you're on the right track- you'll get run over if you just sit there."
184"I like to tell people I have the heart of a small boy. Then I say it's in a jar on my desk. - Stephen King"
185"I get to go to lots of overseas places- like Canada. - Britney Spears"
186"Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can't remember"
187"How can there be self-help GROUPS?"
188"What if you're in hell- and you're mad at someone- where do you tell them to go?"
189"Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date"
190"Hey! Quit hogging all the ugly!"
191"Don't go away mad- just go away!"
192"We're having creative differences. I'm creative- you're different"
193"Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave."
194"I'd like to see things your way- but I'm not sure if I can stick my head that far up my ass."
195"What is your worst sin? My vanity. I spend hours before the mirror admiring my beauty. That isn't vanity- dear- that's imagination."
196"If your parents got a divorce would they still be brother and sister?"
197"It's a beautiful world but everyone's insane."
198"~Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?"
199"It's not that I don't like you! It's just that when I'm not behind the mic I'm a person just like you!"
200"A guy talks dirty to a women and its sexual harassement. A women talks dirty to a guy and its $3.95 a min."
201"Drug laws create criminals"
202"Your friends are worth more than you think--$7.99 at least"
203"Always forgive your enemies-nothing annoys them so much."
204"If you need space- join NASA- baby"
205"Its not an attitude -its the way I am"
206"Sure- a woman can fake an orgasm- but it takes a man to fake a whole relationship."
207"Thats what I like about these high school girls I keep getting older they stay the same age."
208"A woman- an ass- and a walnut tree- Bring the more fruit- the more beaten they be."
209"There are no feminists when the lifeboats are lowered"
-Pers Manifesto
210"Women need a reason to have sex -- men just need a place."
-Billy Crystal.
211"A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks- a woman loses hers after four kisses."
-H.L. Mencken (American writer- 1888-1956)
212"When women hold off from marrying men- we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women- we call it fear of commitment."
-Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)
213"God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question."
214"Women are the decorative sex. They never have anything to say- but they say it charmingly"
215"Some men are different. All women are alike."
216"A woman has three reasons for everything she does. The reason she says she has- the reason she thinks she has- and the reason she really has."
217"Woman: a biped with two hands- two feet- two eyes and two faces."
218"Watch what people are cynical about- and one can often discover what they lack."
-George S. Patton
219"I don't measure a man's success by how high he climbs but by how high he bounces when he hits bottom."
-George S. Patton
220"Much more genius is needed to make love then command armies."
-Ninon De LaEnclos
221"No man hath it in his power to over-rule the deceitfulness of a woman."
-Marguerite of Navarre
222"Whatever is done from love always occurs beyond good and evil."
-Friedrich Nietzsche
223"Its not true that married men live longer then unmarried men--- is just seems longer"
224"A woman is as young as she looks- unless another woman is doing the looking."
225"No man is ever too old to look at a woman- and no woman is ever to fat to hope that he will look."
226"There are three kinds of women: those you look away from- those you look up to- and those you look around at."
227"As soon as you cannot keep anything from a woman- you love her."
-Paul Geraldy
228"It is better to have loved and lost then never to have lost at all."
229"When some women grow old they lose their looks- others are not so lucky."
230"The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost."
231"No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves."
-Ed Howe
232"It is better to love to many than one too few."
233"Love is like an hourglass- with the heart filling up as the brain empties."
234"Some men fall in love- but they get out of it by marrying the girl."
235"Every woman marries for love- even if its only love for money."
236"Before marriage- a woman raves over a man- after marriage she raves at him."
237"When a woman feels good about herself- it's called self-esteem- when a man feels good about himself- it's called an ego."
238"If a man is alone in the forest and talks...is he still wrong?"
239"A Man Doesn't Trust Any Bone in a Woman's Body Except His Own"
240"Cats are like women- they don't listen"
241"The difference betwen sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs less."
-Brendan Francis
242"A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masterbation. It takes an abundance of imagination- to be sure."
-Karl Kraus
243"One sprinkles the most sugar where the tart is burnt."
-Dutch Proverb
244"The only really happy folk are married women and single men."
245"Never trust a woman or the government."
-Yellow Beard
246"That's why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity."
-Jerry Seinfeld
247"Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that- once it is competently programmed and working smoothly- it is completely honest."
-Isaac Asimov
248"Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless."
-Thomas A. Edison
249"Computers can figure out all kinds of problems- except the things in the world that just don't add up."
-Pat Conroy
250"Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices."
-Laurence J. Peter
251"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
-Rodney Dangerfield
252"People find life entirely too time-consuming."
-Stanislaw J. Lec
253"Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish."
-Albert Einstein
254"Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else."
-James M. Barrie
255"Progress might have been all right once- but it has gone on too long."
-Ogden Nash
256"I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages."
-William H. Mauldin
257"There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn."
-Albert Camus
258"The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work."
-Robert Frost
259"Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory."
-John Kenneth Galbraith
260"There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes."
-Doctor Who
261"Heroing is one of the shortest-lived professions there is."
-Will Rogers
262"There is nothing more dreadful than imagination without taste."
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
263"A good listener is usually thinking about something else."
-Kin Hubbard
264"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough."
-Groucho Marx
265"The right word may be effective- but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause."
-Mark Twain
266"It is better to be quotable than to be honest."
-Tom Stoppard
267"There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact."
-Mark Twain
268"It is a curious thing... that every creed promises a paradise which will be absolutely uninhabitable for anyone of civilized taste."
-Evelyn Waugh
269"He who can- does. He who cannot- teaches."
-George Bernard Shaw
270"Well- if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire- what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us- do they?"
-George Carlin
271"Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while- nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation."
-Kin Hubbard
272"The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends."
-Friedrich Nietzsche
273"A person is always startled when he hears himself seriously called an old man for the first time."
-Oliver Wendell Holmes
274"Editor: a person employed by a newspaper- whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff- and to see that the chaff is printed."
-Elbert Hubbard
275"Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog- fewer when pursued by a mad woman- only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion."
-Robertson Davies
276"A newspaper consists of just the same number of words- whether there be any news in it or not."
-Henry Fielding
277"Imitation is the sincerest form of television."
-Fred Allen
278"I have often depended on the blindness of strangers."
-Dorothy Parker
279"The computing field is always in need of new cliches."
-Alan Perlis
280"If I had only known- I would have been a locksmith."
-Albert Einstein
281"Whenever you hear the consensus of scientists agrees on something or other- reach for your wallet- because you're being had."
-Michael Crichton
282"A little sincerity is a dangerous thing- and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal."
-Oscar Wilde
283"Of those who say nothing- few are silent."
-Thomas Neill
284"People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it."
-Ogden Nash
285"I love acting. It is so much more real than life."
-Oscar Wilde
286"I can't bring myself to say- 'Well- I guess I'll be toddling along.' It isn't that I can't toddle. It's just that I can't guess I'll toddle."
-Robert Benchley
287"Those whom the Gods would destroy- they first call promising."
-Cyril Connolly
288"The computing field is always in need of new cliches."
-Alan Perlis
289"Computers make it easier to do a lot of things- but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done."
-Andy Rooney
290"The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it- it doesn't get bigger or heavier."
-Bill Gates
291"If computers get too powerful- we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in."
-Bradley's Bromide
292"Why is it drug addicts and computer afficionados are both called users?"
-Clifford Stoll
293"Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions- including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog."
-Doug Larson
294"Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes."
-E. W. Dijkstra
295"The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim."
-Edsger W. Dijkstra
296"Not even computers will replace committees- because committees buy computers."
-Edward Shepherd Mead
297"To err is human- but to really foul things up requires a computer."
-Farmers' Almanac
298"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them."
-Isaac Asimov
299"Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that- once it is competently programmed and working smoothly- it is completely honest."
-Isaac Asimov
300"Computers can figure out all kinds of problems- except the things in the world that just don't add up."
-James Magary
301"The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against wacking them around a little."
-Joe Martin
302"One would think that if you're anonymous- you'd do anything you want- but groups have their own sense of community and what we can do."
-John Allen
303"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home."
-Ken Olsen
304"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."
-Pablo Picasso
305"The computer is a moron."
-Peter Drucker
306"To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more so."
-Robert Orben
307"All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors."
308"In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would have taken many men many months to equal it."
309"The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want."
-Ben Stein
310"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious."
-Brendan Gill
311"Life is a foreign language- all men mispronounce it."
-Christopher Morley
312"The purpose of life is to fight maturity."
-Dick Werthimer
313"It's not true that life is one damn thing after another- it is one damn thing over and over."
-Edna St. Vincent Millay
314"Life is just one damned thing after another."
-Elbert Hubbard
315"Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep."
-Fran Lebowitz
316"Life is something that everyone should try at least once."
-Henry J. Tillman
317"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."
-Isaac Asimov
318"Life is a long lesson in humility."
-James M. Barrie
319"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."
-John Lennon
320"The secret of a good life is to have the right loyalties and hold them in the right scale of values."
-Norman Thomas
321"Life is a fatal complaint- and an eminently contagious one."
-Oliver Wendell Holmes
322"Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about."
-Oscar Wilde
323"Life is a zoo in a jungle."
-Peter De Vries
324"Life is a sexually transmitted disease."
-R. D. Laing
325"The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive."
-Robert Heinlein
326"Life is just a bowl of pits."
-Rodney Dangerfield
327"Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on."
-Samuel Butler
328"We make a living by what we get- we make a life by what we give."
-Sir Winston Churchill
329"The unexamined life is not worth living."
330"Life is an unbroken succession of false situations."
-Thornton Wilder
331"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act."
-Truman Capote
332"Life is just a mirror- and what you see out there- you must first see inside of you."
-Wally 'Famous' Amos
333"Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death- that's all."
-William Goldman
334"The shaft of the arrow had been feathered with one of the eagle's own plumes. We often give our enemies the means of our own destruction."
335"Above all things- never be afraid. The enemy who forces you to retreat is himself afraid of you at that very moment."
-Andre Maurois
336"Observe your enemies- for they first find out your faults."
337"A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends."
-Baltasar Gracian
338"I do not regret one professional enemy I have made. Any actor who doesn't dare to make an enemy should get out of the business."
-Bette Davis
339"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction- both are transformed."
-Carl Jung
340"He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him."
-Eddie Cantor
341"Never explain--your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway."
-Elbert Hubbard
342"You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you."
-Eric Hoffer
343"At times one remains faithful to a cause only because its opponents do not cease to be insipid."
-Friedrich Nietzsche
344"Rejoice not at thine enemy's fall - but don't rush to pick him up either."
-Jewish Proverb
345"Forgive your enemies- but never forget their names."
-John F. Kennedy
346"The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed- no matter which side he's on."
-Joseph Heller
347"The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane."
-Mark Twain
348"If you want to make peace- you don't talk to your friends. You talk to your enemies."
-Moshe Dayan
349"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
-Napoleon Bonaparte
350"A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies."
-Oscar Wilde
351"Always forgive your enemies- nothing annoys them so much."
-Oscar Wilde
352"We can learn even from our enemies."
353"Use your enemy's hand to catch a snake."
-Persian Proverb
354"Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy."
-Publilius Syrus
355"It is hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head."
-Sally Kempton
356"Money can't buy friends- but it can get you a better class of enemy."
-Spike Milligan
357"Friends may come and go- but enemies accumulate."
-Thomas Jones
358"I have never made but one prayer to God- a very short one: 'O Lord- make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it."
359"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
-William Blake
360"The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it."
-Woodrow Wilson
361"The reason there is so little crime in Germany is that it's against the law."
-Alex Levin
362"Crime does not pay ... as well as politics."
-Alfred E. Newman
363"Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim."
-Bertrand Russell
364"Crooks are early adopters."
-Craig Newmark
365"History is indeed little more than the register of the crimes- follies and misfortunes of mankind."
-Edward Gibbon
366"Crime is naught but misdirected energy."
-Emma Goldman
367"Obviously crime pays- or there'd be no crime."
-G. Gordon Liddy
368"Behind every great fortune there is a crime."
-Honore de Balzac
369"Criminal: A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation."
-Howard Scott
370"Going to trial with a lawyer who considers your whole life-style a Crime in Progress is not a happy prospect."
-Hunter S. Thompson
371"A crime which is the crime of many none avenge."
372"Crime guyers innocence to secure a throne- and innocence struggles with all its might against the attempts of crime."
-Maximilien Robespierre
373"The judge is condemned when the criminal is absolved."
-Publilius Syrus
374"The key is to commit crimes so confusing that police feel too stupid to even write a crime report about them."
-Randy K. Milholland
375"Indeed- history is nothing more than a tableau of crimes and misfortunes."
376"Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies."
-Woody Allen
377"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality- they are not certain- and as far as they are certain- they do not refer to reality."
-Albert Einstein
378"Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater."
-Albert Einstein
379"Mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know what we are talking about- nor whether what we are saying is true."
-Bertrand Russell
380"Mathematics- rightly viewed- possesses not only truth- but supreme beauty - a beauty cold and austere- like that of sculpture."
-Bertrand Russell
381"Mathematics is the queen of the sciences."
-Carl Friedrich Gauss
382"I went off to college planning to major in math or philosophy-- of course- both those ideas are really the same idea."
-Frank Wilczek
383"In mathematics you don't understand things. You just get used to them."
-Johann von Neumann
384"I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning."
385"Proof is the idol before whom the pure mathematician tortures himself."
-Sir Arthur Eddington
386"The mathematics is not there till we put it there."
-Sir Arthur Eddington
387"We used to think that if we knew one- we knew two- because one and one are two. We are finding that we must learn a great deal more about 'and'."
-Sir Arthur Eddington
388"Stat whores need love too!"
389"So Final Fantasy was too hard for you- huh?"
390"Isn't it past your bedtime- kid?"
391"Is this really the highlight of your night?"
392"We're taking up a collection to buy you a life. We got $5.22 so far"
393"Score: NGLogs 1- you: 0"
394"Medal Awarded: Show the world you have less of a life than me (20 points)"
395"The complaint department is closed right now. If it was open- we would ignore you anyway."
396"If you really wanna help- send me cash!"
397"No animals were harmed in the making of this website"
398"If corn oil comes from corn- and olive oil comes from olives- where does baby oil come from?"
399"You're so sad. You cheat at solitaire and still lose."
400"Want to know who loves you more - your wife or your dog? Lock them both in the trunk of your car for an hour- and when you open it- who's wagging their tail?"
401"Ignorance may be bliss- but stupidity is forever."
402"Im sorry- but I am much too SOBER to deal with you today."
403"Who needs a six pack- when you can have a whole case?"
404"If you have ever had liposuction performed with a shop vac- you might be a redneck."
405"I am too poor to be a Republican- and no where near rich enough to be a Democrat."
406"You are either stupid or I am crazy- but one of us aint right."
407"Vegetarians are nature's way of providing cannibals with much needed fiber."
408"I talk to myself because that is the only way I can have an intelligent conversation around here."
409"I hear you and I understand what you are saying- I just dont care."
410"Murphy's law : If anything can go wrong- it will"
411"It will be all your fault- and everyone will know it."
412"If there is a possibility of several things going wrong- the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong"
413"If anything just cannot go wrong- it will anyway"
414"If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong- and circumvent these- then a fifth way- unprepared for- will promptly develop"
415"Left to themselves- things tend to go from bad to worse"
416"If everything seems to be going well- you have obviously overlooked something"
417"Nature always sides with the hidden flaw"
418"Mother nature is a bitch - and not an obedient one at that"
419"Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics : Things get worse under pressure."
420"The Murphy Philosophy : Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse."
421"Murphy's Constant : Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value"
422"In nature- nothing is ever right. Therefore- if everything is going right ... something is wrong."
423"Anything that can go wrong will go wrong."
424"It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious."
425"Left to themselves- things tend to go from bad to worse."
426"Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem- it always helps if you know the answer."
427"Nothing is as easy as it looks."
428"Everything takes longer than you think."
429"Everything takes longer than it takes."
430"If anything simply cannot go wrong- it will anyway."
431"Whenever you set out to do something- something else must be done first."
432"Every solution breeds new problems."
433"The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance."
434"no matter how perfect things are made to appear- Murphy's law will take effect and screw it up."
435"You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter."
436"The chance of the buttered side of the bread falling face down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet."
437"The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet."
438"A falling object will always land where it can do the most damage."
439"A shatterproof object will always fall on the only surface hard enough to crack or break it."
440"A paint drip will always find the hole in the newspaper and land on the carpet underneath (and will not be discovered until it has dried)."
441"A dropped power tool will always land on the concrete instead of the soft ground (if outdoors) or the carpet (if indoors) - unless it is running- in which case it will fall on something it can damage (like your foot)."
442"If a dish is dropped while removing it from the cupboard- it will hit the sink- breaking the dish and chipping or denting the sink in the process."
443"A valuable dropped item will always fall into an inaccessible place (a diamond ring down the drain- for example) - or into the garbage disposal while it is running."
444"If you use a pole saw to saw a limb while standing on an aluminum ladder borrowed from your neighbor- the limb will fall in such a way as to bend the ladder before it knocks you to the ground."
445"If you pick up a chunk of broken concrete and try to pitch it into an adjacent lot- it will hit a tree limb and come down right on the driver's side of your car windshield."
446"The greater the value of the rug- the greater the probability that the cat will throw up on it."
447"You will always find something in the last place you look."
448"If your looking for more than one thing- you'll find the most important one last."
449"It is never in the last place you look. It is in the first place you look- but never discovered on the first attempt."
450"After you bought a replacement for something you've lost and searched for everywhere- you'll find the original."
451"You have to look where you lost it."
452"No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item- after you've bought it- it will be on sale somewhere cheaper."
453"The other line always moves faster."
454"In order to get a personal loan- you must first prove you don't need it."
455"Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost you more than you thought."
456"If you fool around with a thing for very long you will screw it up."
457"If it jams - force it. If it breaks- it needed replacing anyway."
458"When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman- it will work perfectly."
459"Build a system that even a fool can use- and only a fool will use it."
460"Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work."
461"In any hierarchy- each individual rises to his own level of incompetence- and then remains there."
462"There's never time to do it right- but there's always time to do it over."
463"When in doubt- mumble. When in trouble- delegate."
464"Anything good in life is either illegal- immoral or fattening."
465"Murphy's golden rule: whoever has the gold makes the rules."
466"A Smith & Wesson beats four aces."
467"In case of doubt- make it sound convincing."
468"Never argue with a fool- people might not know the difference."
469"Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed."
470"No good deed goes unpunished - Mark Twain"
471"Where patience fails- force prevails."
472"Erma Bombeck: Anything dropped in the bathroom will fall in the toilet."
473"If you want something bad enough- chances are you won't get it."
474"If you think you are doing the right thing- chances are it will back-fire in your face."
475"When waiting for traffic- chances are that when one lane clears the other is congested."
476"Just when you think things cannot get any worse- they will."
477"Remember the 'Boomer-rang' effect; Whatever you do will always come back."
478"If you re-act to actions- you've acted on actions."
479"He who angers you controls you- therefore you have no control over your anger."
480"Any time you put an item in a 'safe place'- it will never be seen again."
481"Your best golf shots always occur when playing alone."
482"The worst golf shots always occur when playing with someone you are trying to impress."
483"No matter how hard you try- you cannot push a string."
484"The fish are always biting....yesterday!"
485"You will never leave a parking space without someone in an adjacent space leaving at the same time."
486"The cost of the hair do is directly related to the strength of the wind."
487"Great ideas are never remembered and dumb statements are never forgotten."
488"The clothes washer/dryer will only eat one of each pair of socks."
489"When you see light at the end of the tunnel- the tunnel will cave in."
490"The light at the end of the tunnel is a train"
491"Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. (Think about it a minute)"
492"Being dead right- won't make you any less dead."
493"Whatever you want- you can't have- what you can have- you don't want."
494"Whatever you want to do- is Not possible- what ever is possible for you to do- you don't want to do it."
495"Traffic is inversely proportional to how late you are- or are going to be."
496"The complexity and frustration factor is inversely proportional to how much time you have left to finish- and how important it is."
497"Crespins law of observation: the probability of being observed is in direct proportion to the stupidity of ones actions"
498"If you go to bed with an itchy ass- you wake up with smelly fingers."
499"A knowledge of Murphy's Law is no help in any situation."
500"If you apply Murphy's Law- it will no longer be applicable."
501"If you say something- and stake your reputation on it- you will lose your reputation."
502"no matter where I go- there I am"
503"Where patience fails- force prevails."
504"Murphy's Law Current Revision : Any thing that can go wrong- HAS Already Gone Wrong! You just haven't been notified."
505"The most exciting phrase to hear in science- the one that heralds new discoveries- is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...' - Isaac Asimov"
506"If many things can go wrong- they will all go wrong at the same time."
507"If anything can go wrong- it will happen to the crankiest person."
508"Waxman's Law: Everything tastes more or less like chicken."
509"Skarstad's Observation: You will never find any more loose change than you have already lost."
510"If authority was mass- stupidity would be gravity."
511"If anything was worth doing- it would've already been done."
512"You can do anything except light a paper match on a marshmallow under water"
513"Ants will always infest the nearest food cupboard."
514"Long's Law : Those who know the least will always know it the loudest."
515"McFalls' Maxim : No degree of acceptance can ever change the facts."
516"You may come to terms with being screwed- but nevertheless you're still screwed."
517"Beauty is only skin deep- fashion even shallower."
518"An expert is someone with an opinion and a word processor."
519"All pornography is air-brushed or computer-enhanced."
520"A person without values or standards can never be a hypocrite."
521"We can give you a diploma- but we can't give you a brain."
522"Don't get into a pissing contest with a skunk."
523"Just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you SHOULD."
524"Garbage abhors a vacuum. It will grow to fill available space."
525"Paper is always strongest at the perforation."
526"Things are never as good as they are bad."
527"Chaos always wins- because it's better organized."
528"The Wingwalker's Rule: Don't let go of something until you have a hold of something else."
529"A bird in the hand is messy."
530"The mud that won't come off on the doormat immediately adheres to the carpet."
531"When you wear new shoes for the first time- everyone will step on them."
532"If Murphy's law is correct- everything East of the San Andreas Fault will slide into the Atlantic - Steven Wright"
533"If Murphy's Law can go wrong it will."
534"Cheer up- the worst is yet to come..."
535"If at first you don't succeed destroy all evidence that you ever tried."
536"Mrs. Murphy's Law: If anything can go wrong it will go wrong when Mr. Murphy is out of town...."
537"If all else fails- hit it with a big hammer."
538"Warneke Law : You cannot force Murphy's Law to happen and you can't use it in reverse."
539"When something goes wrong- you cannot find the solution in the instruction booklet- but someone else always does."
540"Everything in life is important- important things are simple- simple things are never easy."
541"It takes forever to learn the rules and once you've learned them they change again."
542"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds- the pessimist fears this is true."
543"You will find an easy way to do it- after you've finished doing it."
544"Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you think- even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law."
545"In Las Vegas- wherever you want to go in a casino- it's as far as possible from where you are- no matter where you are."
546"The wind will always blow opposite to your hairdo"
547"The probability of the toast landing peanut-butter-side-down is directly proportionate to the cost of the carpeting."
548"Laundry Math:1 Washer + 1 Dryer + 2 Socks = 1 Sock"
549"Window polishing: It's always on the other side."
550"Hall's Law: Anyone who isn't paranoid simply isn't paying attention."
551"A valuable falling in a hard to reach place will be exactly at the distance of the tip of your fingers."
552"If a valuable falls in a hard to reach place at a distance shorter than the tip of your finger- as soon as you try to reach it you'll push it to that distance."
553"Two heads are better than one- even if one is a sheep head."
554"The probability of rain is inversely proportional to the size of the umbrella you carry around with you all day."
555"No matter how hard you try- every once in a while- something is going right."
556"Behind every little problem there's a larger problem- waiting for the little problem to get out of the way."
557"When you really need something- its either not available- or can't be found. When you don't need it- its either available- or lays around in plain sight."
558"Whenever you cut your finger nails- you find a need for them an hour later."
559"Law of Conservation of Filth: In order for something to get clean- something else must get dirty."
560"The file you are looking for is always at the bottom of the largest pile."
561"Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself."
562"Gumperson's Law: The likelihood of something happening is in inverse proportion to the desirability of it happening."
563"Common Sense Is Not So Common"
564"Power Is Taken... Not Given"
565"Two wrongs don't make a right. It usually takes three or four."
566"If the truth is in your favor no one will believe you."
567"When things go from bad to worse- the cycle repeats."
568"Laws are like a spider web- in that it snares the poor and weak while the rich and powerful break them."
569"The key to happiness is to be O.K. with not being O.K."
570"Stupidity is the fundamental driving force of the Universe- which explains why stupid people always go wrong."
571"Every rule has an exception except the Rule of Exceptions."
572"If your action has a 50% possibility of being correct- you will be wrong 75% of the time."
573"If you plan for something to go wrong- and it doesn't go wrong- it would have been ultimately profitable for it to go wrong."
574"The difference between Stupidity and Genius is that Genius has its limits."
575"The universe is great enough for all possibilities to exist."
576"Those who don't take decisions never make mistakes."
577"The only price you pay for greatness is knowing that it can't last forever."
578"Anything that cant possible in a million years go wrong- will go wrong."
579"Anything that seems right- is putting you into a false sense of security."
580"If everything seems great- its already gone wrong."
581"The only time you're right- is when its about being wrong."
582"The only times something's right- is when everyone agrees its wrong."
583"The last five laws were sent by Thomas Wrobel"
584"If for some reason Murphy's Law fails to operate- it is building up for something big."
585"The big catastrophes are made up of smaller ones."
586"The probability that something can go wrong is directly proportional to the square of the amount of inconvenience it can cause you"
587"Everything that could possibly go wrong for anyone else always seems to happen to you"
588"In any particular situation- if three things can go wrong- they usually do in sequence- each facilitating the occurrence of the next"
589"The last three laws were sent by Takura Razemba"
590"The person ahead of you in the queue- will have the most complex transaction possible"
591"Every problem is replaceable with a bigger one."
592"Another name for Murphy's law: The law of conservation of misery"
593"If in a particular circumstance Murphy's law doesn't apply- then something must be wrong"
594"If Murphy's law is right then it will go wrong"
595"The more important it is to get to a website- the greater the chance the server is down."
596"The More the number of laws you claim to have- the more the number of laws you are going to miss."
597"Remember: Shit happens"
598"The perversity of the universe tends to a maximum - Larry Nivens"
599"The road to success is always under construction"
600"If in a series events that could have gone wrong and didn't- It will have been ultimately beneficial for them to have gone wrong in the first place."
601"Bralek's Rule for Success: Trust only those who stand to lose as much as you."
602"whatever was supposed to happen- won't"
603"You can't expect the unexpected- otherwise there would be no need for the word unexpected"
604"You cant reason with the stupid"
605"In any given situation- people will act so as to display the maximum possible amount of stupidity for that situation."
606"What goes in must come out. Unless it's the other way around."
607"Better to be a pessimist than an optimist because when you say the glass is half empty it will have to be refilled"
608"Sooner or later- you will spill your beer"
609"West is always East of somewhere"
610"Instruction manuals are for losers"
611"You're only lost if you admit it"
612"If gravity is all around us- why can't you push a fat dog down the stairs?"
613"A spoon placed in the sink will locate to maximize splash from the faucet"
614"All horizontal surfaces shall be filled to capacity"
615"Anything worth doing is well worth over-doing"
616"It's not the drop that kills you.... its the sudden stop"
617"Why do we park in driveways- but drive on parkways?"
618"Why does a male dog lick his own penis? Because he can."
619"If God didn't want man to masturbate- he wouldn't have made his arms that long"
620"Accidents cause people"
621"Hey- didn't your mother tell you to get to bed already?"
622"if u cn rd ths- u spnd 2 mch tiem txting"
623"Man plans - God laughs."
624"So tell me- how did Wile E. Coyote pay for all the shit he bought from the ACME corporation?"
625"Go ahead - YOU think of something smart-ass for up here."

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